1. A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”
2. In the chess club:
“I am Black.” “I know.”
3. Two beginners:
“I improved my English, Spanish, French, Russian and Italian.”
“Then you must be a genius!”
“You can speak so many languages…”
“I am talking about chess openings and not languages.”
4. “My wife said, she will leave me, when I take part in this chess tournament next week.”
“So what will you do?”
“1.e4, like always!”
5. Two chess players wanted to go to a chess tournament together by car.
After some time the driver had to check his street map:
“What do you think? Is it better if we take the main variation or the side variation?”
6. Two chess players walked to the railway station but were intensely discussing the spanish chess opening. After some time they realized that they were walking in the wrong direction. One of them said: “Shit, I didn’t memorize the right way to the railway station.”
7. A chess player said to his friend:
“My dog can play chess!”
“How strong? What’s his rating?”
8. A car accident:
First driver leaves his car shouting: “It is your fault, you took the wrong way.”
“There is only one right way! Ne4!”
9. Two chess players are immersed in a game of chess:
Suddenly one of them makes a move and shouts: “Check!”
The other: “Shut up, Idiot!”
10. A chess player joined the Mormon Church. One day he wanted to take part in a chess tournament held on a Sunday.
“The heavenly father does not allow this… to play games on Sundays.”, one of the church members said to him.
The chess player left the Mormon Church the following days and never returned.
11. In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
“What a clever dog!”
But the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading three games to one!”
12. “So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov – Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!”
13. Q – Which group of women are the best chess players?
A – Feminists. Their opponents begin with King and Queen, but ‘they’ always start with 2 Queens.